Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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