Who wears a wallet chain?!
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
