He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Lo siento on account of my penis...
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
