I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
