when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
