i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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