We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
