Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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