We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
