i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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