Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
no you cant smoke seaweed
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Randomize
