I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
