I am puke
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
