I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
