Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
