she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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