Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
