just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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