Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
