when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
