I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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