is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You made out with two different species that night
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
