8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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