you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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