how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Randomize
