you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
