you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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