Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
