Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
