Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
