i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Couch. On fire.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
