Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
