i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
