Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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