allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
