you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
It's just like the Real World with babies
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
