speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
