Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
