Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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