A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
There's always time for handjobs
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
