I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
