I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
The power of my boobs compel you
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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