FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
