my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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