I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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