Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
