I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
