fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
