I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
