I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
