I showed him my bush... on skype.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
