I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
