Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
