i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
