great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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